I Meant To Do That
When I was a bit younger I would find a very large amount of energy trapped inside. I found myself continually frustrated and angry. This anger would inevitably manifested itself on my husband and family. Knowing that I needed to find a way to fix the situation I began to run… alot. By the time I hit my stride, I was running an average of 12 miles a day… except on Sundays. Problem solved…
It worked for a number of years. I balanced my hormones and mood by practicing self exhaustion. I got the added bonus of all the positive effects of a healthy lifestyle. The thing is, a little over nine years ago I shattered (not just broke mind you)my left ankle. After surgery I was informed that I would never run again without immediate degradation of my joint and quality of life. Arthritis is a B🤐🤐🤐! For the sake of pg rating I will go with BUGGER! 🥰.
So a midlife crisis hit me a bit early. Changes had to be made, and my identity had to be reevaluated. I realized that what I had invested myself into consumed such a large portion of my life that the gap was overwhelming. The frustration and anger reemerged, hormones got punched in the face… all the glorious side effects of an unhealthy lifestyle lent themselves for taste testing……..
Where am I going with this? oh yah… I Meant To Do That…
Well… it didn’t happen overnight, but eventually I came to the realization that losing myself in running had not actually solved my problem. My problems were still there waiting for me, buried deep inside my genetic codes. Not only that, but I began to realize how much time I had squandered. I had justified it as therapy. All things are good in moderation you see. I have only so much time given me. Do I really want to waste it on myself, just managing my problems? NO.. I want to give it away to the people I love and the talents I have been afforded.
So where did I go from there… I began to be very intentional in all of my actions. I no longer wanted to “lose myself in anything” for the sake of escape. I wanted to give a piece of me in everything I did, from family, to homestead, to employment, to heaven. I did end up devoting a lot of time to exercise and health, but those moments began to couple themselves with studying, writing, communication and meditation. This is multitasking at its finest, in my humble opinion. I have an ever evolving calendar of events that tell me what I am supposed to be focussing on, because, I sat down and took the time to figure out what I wanted to accomplish, what needed to be accomplished, and how could I make them both matter. In essence I mean to do it. Upon the implementation of this I gradually realized a layer of satisfaction laced with joy and accomplishment that had apparently eradicated all of that anger and frustration that plagued me before. Those genetic traits that were hurting me were just crying out for true applied productivity, and focus. I didn’t have to beat myself into submission, just quite literally distract myself with the truly important things I had been drowning in without realizing it. It’s a balancing act to be sure.
Losing yourself may feel great, a bit hipnotic, uphoric, rewarding, but it is a haze… or a mask I might say. In point, you are literally losing the point of living when you do not live intentionally. We got one shot, you and I, I would hate for us to miss the mark. So let us mean to do it …. all of the time.